Monday, June 06, 2005

Today is Kaedy's 7 month birthday. 7 months ago I gave birth to her at 215pm. That is a really hard day to remember. Maybe it will be easier after she comes home. I went to see her tonight and it was one of my least-favorite visits with her. She was grumpy, gave me no smiles, fussed and was all around ill-tempered. Nothing at all like usual. Her room was dark when I got there - the blinds were closed - so it looked like a cave. She was doing absolutely nothing....just laying in bed. No toys around her, no music on, no video on, nothing. Just laying there. And, on top of it, she was dirty. She was sticky (like she had been sweaty), had white stuff all over her face and her hands were really dirty between the fingers. I felt totally out of control (although I took control as soon as I got there - cleaned her up, sat her up, fed her some applesauce/cereal, turned on music, got some toys out, etc). I hate leaving her in someone else's care everyday. I was trying to decide what the difference is between Kaedy's situation and letting someone else raise my baby while I just go for visitation, like a foster situation. There is really not a big difference (except of course in the intention) and I hate that. I have "visitation rights" and I can come and see her, but I don't have any say over anything going on with her, over what she wears, when she is clean or not clean, what she does all day. I hate it that she lays there all day without doing anything. I hate it that I can't spend more time with her. Okay, when it gets right down to it - I hate it that she's not home. I hate it that she has any problems at all. I hate that her healing is not manifested. I hate it that she needs a healing to be manifested. At least I know that Greater is He who is in me, than he who is in the world. I am an overcomer. I am above and not below, I am the head and not the tail. I am blessed in the city and blessed in the country. I am blessed coming in and blessed going out. HALLELUJAH!!!!

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