Yesterday was Jacob's birthday. We made our annual trip to his gravesite and sang him "Happy Birthday" just as we always do. This year was very cute because Ethan did a dance for Jacob, as he was singing. Ethan and Kaedra are asking a lot more questions about Jacob: where he is, why he is there, when they will get to see him, etc.
Here is a picture of the kids.... while you might think it's a little odd to see their big smiles at their brother's grave - remember that they all know that he is in a much better place and that they will get to see him again!
Showing posts with label Jacob. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jacob. Show all posts
Friday, May 06, 2011
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
Jacob 2010
From Evernote: |
Jacob 2010 |
What are little boys made of?
I am forgetting
I can't remember what time he came
Or holding him in my arms
Or whispering his name.
This old man, He played seven....
I don't remember how much he weighed
Or how long he measured
Or how I ever let them take him away
From the only moments with him I would ever treasure
Frogs and snails and Puppy dog tails
I do remember leaving the hospital empty handed
I remember lying on his grave and yelling at God
I remember the teeny tiny casket
And wondering what I did to deserve the rod.
He played knick knack up to heaven.
Hard to imagine it has been
seven years that have passed
It seems like a lifetime
Or just the day before last
With a knick knack paddywhack
Give the dog a bone
He is real and walks among us
Daily on his siblings' lips
How he looks, what he does
Debated and decided
Why my heart continually rips
This old man goes rolling home
But unanimously he is perfect
Unblemished and sin free
My only blameless child
Living with Christ for eternity.
That's what this little boy is made of.
I am forgetting
I can't remember what time he came
Or holding him in my arms
Or whispering his name.
This old man, He played seven....
I don't remember how much he weighed
Or how long he measured
Or how I ever let them take him away
From the only moments with him I would ever treasure
Frogs and snails and Puppy dog tails
I do remember leaving the hospital empty handed
I remember lying on his grave and yelling at God
I remember the teeny tiny casket
And wondering what I did to deserve the rod.
He played knick knack up to heaven.
Hard to imagine it has been
seven years that have passed
It seems like a lifetime
Or just the day before last
With a knick knack paddywhack
Give the dog a bone
He is real and walks among us
Daily on his siblings' lips
How he looks, what he does
Debated and decided
Why my heart continually rips
This old man goes rolling home
But unanimously he is perfect
Unblemished and sin free
My only blameless child
Living with Christ for eternity.
That's what this little boy is made of.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Timeline
Today is the first day of the OKC homeschool convention. It's a place full of books, wonderful fellow homeschoolers and lots and lots of knowledge I would love to glean. But not me. I don't go to convention as wonderful as it sounds and as much I would like to.
Seven years ago, I packed up a car with my friend and we came down from Tulsa for a weekend of girl talk, eating out, and books...lots of books. The convention sounded like heaven on earth to us and we were ready to experience it all. We had a fun drive down here and I rushed to the bathroom as soon as we got parked. My 9 month pregnant body had held it's bladder long enough. I remember laughing with my friend as we ran up the stairs that my baby boy was bouncing up and down on my bladder.
Saturday morning I woke up at the hotel and we hopped out of bed fairly quickly to get ready for the seminars and the perusing of the books. Halfway through the day I all of a sudden felt terrible. I apparently looked terrible too because my friend took me and we sat down for awhile while I tried to get my feet back under me. We did end up finishing up the convention and headed home.
Sunday morning I woke up and realized immediately that I hadn't felt Jacob move since the trip up the stairs on Friday. Usually I "played" with him every morning...poking and prodding my tummy while he poked and prodded back. Saturday morning we had been so busy, I hadn't taken the time to play with him. Now, Sunday morning, he wasn't playing with me. I poked, prodded, shook my stomach, drank orange juice, laid on my side and called the doctor. He told me to come into the hospital so they could do a quick check on Jacob and make me feel better.
Most of you know, I never "felt better."
I don't go to convention. It is too wrapped up in Jacob and his last days.
Seven years ago, I packed up a car with my friend and we came down from Tulsa for a weekend of girl talk, eating out, and books...lots of books. The convention sounded like heaven on earth to us and we were ready to experience it all. We had a fun drive down here and I rushed to the bathroom as soon as we got parked. My 9 month pregnant body had held it's bladder long enough. I remember laughing with my friend as we ran up the stairs that my baby boy was bouncing up and down on my bladder.
Saturday morning I woke up at the hotel and we hopped out of bed fairly quickly to get ready for the seminars and the perusing of the books. Halfway through the day I all of a sudden felt terrible. I apparently looked terrible too because my friend took me and we sat down for awhile while I tried to get my feet back under me. We did end up finishing up the convention and headed home.
Sunday morning I woke up and realized immediately that I hadn't felt Jacob move since the trip up the stairs on Friday. Usually I "played" with him every morning...poking and prodding my tummy while he poked and prodded back. Saturday morning we had been so busy, I hadn't taken the time to play with him. Now, Sunday morning, he wasn't playing with me. I poked, prodded, shook my stomach, drank orange juice, laid on my side and called the doctor. He told me to come into the hospital so they could do a quick check on Jacob and make me feel better.
Most of you know, I never "felt better."
I don't go to convention. It is too wrapped up in Jacob and his last days.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Trading my Sorrows
Yesterday was Jacob's birthday, but Joy comes in the morning!! I am rejoicing he is awaiting us in heaven!
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Leaving Jacob
Today we went to visit Jacob's gravesite.
It was a little rough. Emily, who until now has been too little to really understand, fell apart at the site and cried that she "missed him." Brittany was fairly stoic, as usual. Kaedra was running around looking at the other babies' flowers. Michael went and sat on a bench for awhile. I put Jacob's new flowers in and arranged them.
As we were walking away, I felt like something was wrong. I looked behind me, sure we had left one of the kids behind.
Of course, we had.
It was a little rough. Emily, who until now has been too little to really understand, fell apart at the site and cried that she "missed him." Brittany was fairly stoic, as usual. Kaedra was running around looking at the other babies' flowers. Michael went and sat on a bench for awhile. I put Jacob's new flowers in and arranged them.
As we were walking away, I felt like something was wrong. I looked behind me, sure we had left one of the kids behind.
Of course, we had.
Friday, May 04, 2007
Day Before
Tomorrow my son Jacob should be four years old. Instead, he is awaiting us in heaven...these words are just me spilling over onto paper...
I didn't mean to hurt her feelings tonight. I remember when she used to say we had one heart. I think, tonight, that she's right. My heart is hurting with hers. The worst part is I was being mean. I knew that part and didn't think of the consequences. And I was being honest even though honesty is not an excuse for such a breach. I told her that I shouldn't have shared something with her. And in truth I love sharing with her but she has gone this far not knowing about this weak part of me so why should I burden her with it now?
And maybe it's just this week. Maybe everything is because of this week. I'm still surprised when it hits me like it does. I'm surprised at my tears ...but what am I expecting? Wouldn't most people be surprised more at a lack of tears? And I wish everyone could know but no one would talk about it. But I don't want that either. I want to tell his story. But only if I can shut off my heart while doing so. I guess there's no way to get over it. (in more ways than one) I feel sorry for myself and I hold it against myself that I do. I emotionally blackmail myself to try to keep from feeling. I don't let myself think about him the rest of the year. Or at least only in the most clinical terms. Then I'm hit over the head with the reality as the day gets closer. And I am hard on myself. And I am tired of the cliches I tell myself and others only because I don't really know what to say or do. And neither does anyone else.
And I don't know what I want. Do I want to be alone or surrounded by loving people? Do I want to keep busy or spend time talking and thinking about him? Do I want to be quiet or do I want to scream? Do I want to forget or open his box and touch all his memories? Why does it still have to hurt so much? And why can't I figure out what I need? The problem is that what I need is a never never. What would make things better awaits me in heaven. So many people thought this year would be better because we have Ethan. I think it makes it harder. We missed out on all of this with Jacob and it hurts doubly so.
I know that God is here with me, hurting with me, surrounding and covering me with His love. I know that she will forgive me, because she is just like me and she understands. I know tomorrow will be hard but things will eventually clunk back into normality. And I know I need to be easier on myself but I don't know how.
I didn't mean to hurt her feelings tonight. I remember when she used to say we had one heart. I think, tonight, that she's right. My heart is hurting with hers. The worst part is I was being mean. I knew that part and didn't think of the consequences. And I was being honest even though honesty is not an excuse for such a breach. I told her that I shouldn't have shared something with her. And in truth I love sharing with her but she has gone this far not knowing about this weak part of me so why should I burden her with it now?
And maybe it's just this week. Maybe everything is because of this week. I'm still surprised when it hits me like it does. I'm surprised at my tears ...but what am I expecting? Wouldn't most people be surprised more at a lack of tears? And I wish everyone could know but no one would talk about it. But I don't want that either. I want to tell his story. But only if I can shut off my heart while doing so. I guess there's no way to get over it. (in more ways than one) I feel sorry for myself and I hold it against myself that I do. I emotionally blackmail myself to try to keep from feeling. I don't let myself think about him the rest of the year. Or at least only in the most clinical terms. Then I'm hit over the head with the reality as the day gets closer. And I am hard on myself. And I am tired of the cliches I tell myself and others only because I don't really know what to say or do. And neither does anyone else.
And I don't know what I want. Do I want to be alone or surrounded by loving people? Do I want to keep busy or spend time talking and thinking about him? Do I want to be quiet or do I want to scream? Do I want to forget or open his box and touch all his memories? Why does it still have to hurt so much? And why can't I figure out what I need? The problem is that what I need is a never never. What would make things better awaits me in heaven. So many people thought this year would be better because we have Ethan. I think it makes it harder. We missed out on all of this with Jacob and it hurts doubly so.
I know that God is here with me, hurting with me, surrounding and covering me with His love. I know that she will forgive me, because she is just like me and she understands. I know tomorrow will be hard but things will eventually clunk back into normality. And I know I need to be easier on myself but I don't know how.
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