One day this week, after lunch, Ethan was playing with the chairs of our dining room set. He was scooting them around and crawling through, under and over them. At one point he got stuck and started fussing. Since I was washing dishes, I didn't know at first what the problem was. I kept asking him (without looking) "What's wrong?" I didn't exactly expect him to answer but I can usually tell by the sound of his fussing or cries if he is hurt, frustrated, hungry, etc. But this time his fussing wasn't really distinctive so I had to turn around to realize he was stuck. When I went to help him, he kept moving the chairs in ways to block me. He didn't mean to fight against me but he was becoming more and more distraught and wouldn't calm down enough to let me rescue him.
After he was safely out of the maze-o-chairs and properly cuddled back to calmness I had one of those God moments- where God speaks directly to me about an event, what I would call a "teachable moment" with my own children. So God says to me, "Kahri, do you realize you are being just like that? You are fussing without really talking to me and you keep putting things in the way of my helping you."
Instead of being like my children in those “teachable moments” and sulking or rolling my eyes I decided to take a closer look at myself. I realized that sometimes I am just like Ethan....crying out for God to help me but blocking Him at every turn. Whether it is through lack of prayer, lack of my listening, trying to do things my own way or getting advice from wrong sources, I keep putting “chairs” in His way of helping me. On top of that, when I cry out for God to help me, I sometimes don't cry out in any meaningful way.
Let me give a little bit of history here: Because of the tradition in the church I went to in my youth, I was originally taught to pray in a way that could be considered much more like “fussing” or even “begging” then I now pray. I would pray things like “Oh Lord, why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? Did I do something wrong? Please get me out of this. Oh, but if it’s your will for this to happen than let me learn something from it.” Since then, I have learned a lot about prayer (and also about God’s will) and I really try hard not to get caught up in that kind of praying. Instead, I go to God as a joint heir with Jesus (Eph 3:6) and I speak the Word of God over my life, thanking God for the results as soon as I pray.
Anyway, so I realize, of course, that God is right. I am acting like Ethan. I am fussing, not telling him exactly what is wrong and putting a lot of chairs in His way.
You see, it has gradually come to our attention that we will be moving in the next 8 months or so. Not moving to another house nearby, but MOVING.
Michael is training to be a store manager.
And he will be ready within 8 months.
And there isn't a store opening here.
I wish I could tell you how I feel overall about it. I just don't know. I can tell you pieces of how I feel:
1. I don't want to leave Sherria
2. I am excited about change.
3. I don't want to leave our church
4. I am excited about change.
5. I don't want to leave my friends.
6. I am excited about change.
7. I am nervous about going someplace new with Kaedra.
8. I am excited about change.
9. I feel bad for Brittany who is not excited about moving.
10. But she is somewhat excited about change.
11. I am nervous about change.
12. I am excited about change.
Hmmmmm. you see my dilemna? I couldn't even figure out HOW to pray about this situation because I don't know what I want. Do I believe we are staying here or do I start praying about our new residence? Do I search for confessions for us to be able to not move or do I research cities in other states to find out more about them? Instead of making any type of sense in my prayers I was just fussing at God. And yes, I know that God will meet me wherever I am and I know that He understands me even when I am fussing at Him, but really, can't He expect better from me? I think so.
I know so.
That is what He told me that day with the chairs.
Now that I am taking time to think about it, there are several things I know that make all the difference.
1. I don't need to know what I want. I have the Holy Spirit within me and He knows what is best for us. 1 John 2:27 says "As for you, the anointing which you received from Him abides in you, and you have no need for anyone to teach you; but as His anointing teaches you about all things, and is true and is not a lie, and just as it has taught you, you abide in Him." His annointing will show us what we should do.
2. God always wants the best for us. (hopefully I don't have to prove this with scripture...how about this...Genesis 1:1-Revelations 22:21)
3. Even if I don't know how to pray, the Holy Spirit knows how to pray and when I pray through Him, God's perfect will will manifest. (Romans 8:26-28)
So I can't tell you how I feel about moving or even what I am praying for. Just that I know that we are ready and listening to hear and know God's will in this whole endeavor. We are keeping our spiritual ears open to Him and letting Him choose our path, whatever that is...