Day Before

Tomorrow my son Jacob should be four years old. Instead, he is awaiting us in heaven...these words are just me spilling over onto paper...

I didn't mean to hurt her feelings tonight. I remember when she used to say we had one heart. I think, tonight, that she's right. My heart is hurting with hers. The worst part is I was being mean. I knew that part and didn't think of the consequences. And I was being honest even though honesty is not an excuse for such a breach. I told her that I shouldn't have shared something with her. And in truth I love sharing with her but she has gone this far not knowing about this weak part of me so why should I burden her with it now?

And maybe it's just this week. Maybe everything is because of this week. I'm still surprised when it hits me like it does. I'm surprised at my tears ...but what am I expecting? Wouldn't most people be surprised more at a lack of tears? And I wish everyone could know but no one would talk about it. But I don't want that either. I want to tell his story. But only if I can shut off my heart while doing so. I guess there's no way to get over it. (in more ways than one) I feel sorry for myself and I hold it against myself that I do. I emotionally blackmail myself to try to keep from feeling. I don't let myself think about him the rest of the year. Or at least only in the most clinical terms. Then I'm hit over the head with the reality as the day gets closer. And I am hard on myself. And I am tired of the cliches I tell myself and others only because I don't really know what to say or do. And neither does anyone else.

And I don't know what I want. Do I want to be alone or surrounded by loving people? Do I want to keep busy or spend time talking and thinking about him? Do I want to be quiet or do I want to scream? Do I want to forget or open his box and touch all his memories? Why does it still have to hurt so much? And why can't I figure out what I need? The problem is that what I need is a never never. What would make things better awaits me in heaven. So many people thought this year would be better because we have Ethan. I think it makes it harder. We missed out on all of this with Jacob and it hurts doubly so.

I know that God is here with me, hurting with me, surrounding and covering me with His love. I know that she will forgive me, because she is just like me and she understands. I know tomorrow will be hard but things will eventually clunk back into normality. And I know I need to be easier on myself but I don't know how.