Friday, May 04, 2007

Day Before

Tomorrow my son Jacob should be four years old. Instead, he is awaiting us in heaven...these words are just me spilling over onto paper...

I didn't mean to hurt her feelings tonight. I remember when she used to say we had one heart. I think, tonight, that she's right. My heart is hurting with hers. The worst part is I was being mean. I knew that part and didn't think of the consequences. And I was being honest even though honesty is not an excuse for such a breach. I told her that I shouldn't have shared something with her. And in truth I love sharing with her but she has gone this far not knowing about this weak part of me so why should I burden her with it now?

And maybe it's just this week. Maybe everything is because of this week. I'm still surprised when it hits me like it does. I'm surprised at my tears ...but what am I expecting? Wouldn't most people be surprised more at a lack of tears? And I wish everyone could know but no one would talk about it. But I don't want that either. I want to tell his story. But only if I can shut off my heart while doing so. I guess there's no way to get over it. (in more ways than one) I feel sorry for myself and I hold it against myself that I do. I emotionally blackmail myself to try to keep from feeling. I don't let myself think about him the rest of the year. Or at least only in the most clinical terms. Then I'm hit over the head with the reality as the day gets closer. And I am hard on myself. And I am tired of the cliches I tell myself and others only because I don't really know what to say or do. And neither does anyone else.

And I don't know what I want. Do I want to be alone or surrounded by loving people? Do I want to keep busy or spend time talking and thinking about him? Do I want to be quiet or do I want to scream? Do I want to forget or open his box and touch all his memories? Why does it still have to hurt so much? And why can't I figure out what I need? The problem is that what I need is a never never. What would make things better awaits me in heaven. So many people thought this year would be better because we have Ethan. I think it makes it harder. We missed out on all of this with Jacob and it hurts doubly so.

I know that God is here with me, hurting with me, surrounding and covering me with His love. I know that she will forgive me, because she is just like me and she understands. I know tomorrow will be hard but things will eventually clunk back into normality. And I know I need to be easier on myself but I don't know how.

7 comments:

Heather said...

(((((((((((KAHRI)))))))))))

Precious Jacob holds a special place in my heart. As do you.

I will be praying for you tomorrow. Take one minute at a time and do the things you need to do for that moment in time.

Love you...

ThoughtfulMom said...

Kahri,

We also have an empty seat at our dinner table. Danny would be seven right now. It's been two years, and we miss him terribly. Some days are worse than others, but I think the coming of another little boy (who we know is God's doubling in our family's restoration) doesn't make it any easier. What we gain cannot replace at all what was lost any more than three ripe, sweet, tasty apples can replace one piece of chocolate when chocolate is what I want. There will be a Danny-sized hole in our new family portrait when we have our picture taken on Tuesday.

God is good - He's very, very good - and he's healing us slowly - but I know this is a wound that will ache forever - but I know this is for our good and God's glory because every lesson Danny taught up was laid our for us to learn by our Sovereign God, who is completely in contol of every situation.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

May you find comfort today in His sovereignty, which brings us so much hope.

Penless Thoughts said...

"I don't really know what to say or do. And neither does anyone else."

This is so true Kahri. Because I haven't walked your walk I do not know how you must feel and to say I do would be the worst of hypocricy.

What I can say is, I can sense the pain in your words and I care deeply for you and yours.

(((((hugs))))
Susan

Brandi & the Zandi's said...

I love you friend. ((HUGS))

Melanie said...

My heart is with you today....

Hugs...

Trella said...

Praying for you and your family.
(((hugs)))
Trella

ComfyDenim said...

May God give you all the wisdom you need.

Hugging you!