Sunday, September 27, 2009


I have been working on this post for awhile. Trying to figure out how to word it correctly. To speak my heart, be authentic and not offend. There comes a time to just spit it out and go on.

This is about me.

My struggles

My thoughts.

I am not attempting to tell anyone else what to believe. In chat lingo, ymmv. (your mileage may vary)

This is my mileage:

I have recently gotten out of a bad relationship. And, with that relationship came many rules and doctrines and beliefs that I went along with, because I wanted to please. I wanted to please God and I wanted to make the relationship work. I thought the two were intertwined. As I get farther and farther from the relationship (it has been about 7 months) I have come to realize that they were not one in the same. Pleasing my Father had nothing to do with this relationship.

Because of my confusion in this relationship, it has been an interesting 7 months. I am having to redefine my relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I have so many questions but I can not look to man for the answers. I have put away all my books about God or the Bible, many of my bibles (the ones with commentaries) and have cancelled my subscriptions to certain magazines. I have gotten rid of podcasts and no longer listen to certain CDs. I don't want to follow man.  Any man. Even great men.

Only Jesus.

I am questioning to pray; what is faith; what are God's promises, exactly; what does the Bible really say, where is the authority. What do I believe?

And for the first time in my life, I am feeling a little lost about God.

Not a crisis in faith, only a crisis in doctrine.

I do not doubt for a second God's presence.
or his love
or Jesus dying on the cross
that is all as real as ever.

However, when you don't know how to pray, it could make it hard to talk to God on a consistent basis.  Thank God he doesn't mind. He listens to me babble. He listens to me pray one way, then another, then apologize and ask Him which way. I know He doesn't mind. I know He doesn't judge. And that is something I didn't know 7 months ago, so I am definitely progressing in the right direction.

It's like I have been the captain of a boat. My course was laid out by God but I had the rudder in my hand. As I was growing up, I was going in one direction and in the last few years, I switched direction and headed somewhere else. But now, I have lost the rudder.  I am in the boat, in the ocean, not only following God's course, but relying on Him to get me there.

Rudderless is not a bad place to be.


NeeCee said...

I think that is the way it should be. You look only to Him for your answers, not to man....any man. He will teach you, lead you, guide you on your rudderless journey.

Amelia Antwiler said...

but -- you're not rudderless.
Rudderless would mean you're tossed about to and fro with no direction. You have direction in Him.
You are not pushed by any wind that comes into your sails - you are guided by Him. You are not rudderless.

What you are -- is needing to heal from a religious system that you have discovered was seriously flawed.

May God, His hand on your rudder, guide you into ALL truth in HIM. By His Holy Spirit whom He sent to teach us all things.

And that's my 2.5 cents worth.