Monday, December 14, 2009

Fessing Up

It is hard for me to write this post today, when everything is going well.  Quite ironic, isn't it? Well maybe you don't know why that is ironic but by the end of the post, I think you'll get it. I try not to write anything at all if I can't say something positive. (haven't done a good job on my blog lately, I know) The only reason I am even writing it is because some people on Facebook have asked how I am doing.  This is my answer:

I'm not doing well...not really doing well at all.  There are lots of things going on, don't know which is the egg and what is the chicken....Been dealing with depression again in a big way. I also have several physical ailments including a headache non-stop since the last week of October, TMJ pain, ankle pain, ringing in my ears and dizziness.  I am still averaging about 4 hours of sleep a night. I usually get an 1 1/2 hour nap a day too.  Still not enough sleep for me.  I am fuzzy headed, my old "friend" social anxiety has reared its ugly head as well. I got my depression meds upped to see if that would help. So far it hasn't, but I know it can take awhile.  I do well when I am with the Brittany, Michael or when I am talking to my closest friend. Then I feel like I am almost myself.

In addition to this I am feeling very overwhelmed with life lately. Actually overwhelmed is a nice word. The word I keep hearing is "failure." Failure at disciplining and training my kids, failure at providing good meals at a good time, failure at keeping house, failure at showing a good example, failure at helping the family earn money, failure at anything I start lately.  After reading Self Talk, Soul Talk, I have been trying to find a replacement for that word but I haven't been able to irradicate it.  It is hiding behind corners, under my to-do list, in my messy coat closet, and in each and every email that comes that I don't answer or phone call that comes that I don't call back.  Even things as nice as our Jesse Tree or our Christmas tree have failure written all over them.  I am so tired of failing.  I tried not setting the bar so high. Then I just decided not to set the bar at all. Easier that way.

I have good days, like today. I have about 1-2 a week. I try my best to get a ton done on those days so the other days aren't so horrible.  The problem is, I usually feel doubly awful after one of my good days.  I am doing lots of Emily's school from bed. She thinks it's fun and I am just glad to be able to get it done.  Brittany takes care of most of her own school so, surprisingly, we are not as far behind in school as I would think.  My bad days I try to compensate with the kids by reading to them from my bed or playing with them up there, letting them play with my hair (which they love, and so do I), or watching TV with them.  When I am feeling up to it, I try to take them on outings to go see lights or Santa or other things like that. 

As far as outside happenings...our house in BA still hasn't sold. We are now considering taking it off the market and trying to rent it.  We cannot afford the two payments.  Money is very tight around here and we are living on a wing and a prayer at the moment.  Michael is going to start applying for manager positions again after Christmas.  We are praying he will get a store soon.  I looked into getting a job but haven't found anything that will work with our family.  So then, I was hoping to find something I could do from home - no luck there either.

Spiritually things aren't that great either. I have no problem praying for other people and having faith that I will see miracles. However, I have lost faith in my own prayers for our life.  I just feel like God isn't listening. I know He is. I know it in my mind. But I can't get the rest of me to believe at the moment. I feel like time and time again I have put my faith and hope and action into a prayer and not seen any results.  Everything is the same or getting worse.

Although I like our church, I am not "sold" on it. I have tried and tried again to get into a "Lifegroup" - their small groups which meet once a week - but so far they have not found one for us.  They are promoting Lifegroups all the time, I can't imagine how they can't find one for us in 5 months.  Brittany and Emily are deeply involved with the Wednesday night activities and definitely love that. With all that they have gone to, I don't want to drag them away from something else. I just wish we had a church that we could get involved with and make friends, etc.

I tried MOPS here in Yukon and loved the first two times I went. I went to the third time and only lasted 1/2 hour before my social anxiety got the best of me and I slipped out the door without anyone noticing.  I am not sure if I am going to make it back or not.

I went to a Mom's Night Out with three wonderful ladies and had a great time. Hopefully we will be able to do it again sometime. 

The older girls are both homesick, especially Brittany, but trying to put on a brave face.  Some days are better than others.

On top of it all, for some reason this has been a very hard Jacob-less year. I have cried over him more than usual. Moving away from where he is buried was hard as was putting up the tree with his ornaments.  

I know I am blessed. I really do. I count my blessings everyday. I have a husband who adores me and works hard for the family. I have a WONDERFUL family. My kids are loving and they love God. We have a roof over our head and food on the table.

I know I am blessed.

I just wish knowing that was always enough.


NeeCee said...

Kahri, please don't beat yourself up. We all have our moments when we get "fleshy". That is when we need our friends to be like Aaron and help hold up our arms. Let me be an Aaron for you. I will lift you up in prayer. God is crazy in love with you. He thinks you are incredible. He looked down on earth, saw a problem only you could fix and created you. You are a blessing to all those around you.

I don't care if you believe it right now or not, its all the truth. :0) I wish I could give you a hug, but since I can't, I'll send lots of prayers up and have God give you one of His big hugs for me.

Susan said...

Oh Kahri, this post makes me so sad but I must say I'm not really surprised. Your note posting is always a sign to me. The time you are going through is similar to the dark time in Mickey & my life in the 80's (for different reasons of course) but we also were caught in that 2 houses trap for 15 months of double house payments before we broke down and rented our Tulsa house. As it turned out we ended up returning to Tulsa and were grateful it had not sold!! Due to it not selling though, we had to sell the house we'd bought in Albuquerque and lost about $15,000 doing so. We then moved into an apartment. Something we had NEVER lived in our entire 25 year marriage and eventually bought a trailer and lived in a trailer park.

I'm just saying all this because you know who we are and where we are today. Not in a big house, for sure, but in a wonderful place in life.

I have just picked up and read Dutch Sheets book Intercessory Prayer. If you can do so PLEASE go find this book and read it. I felt I was pretty well trained in prayer and pray daily but this book has had a great impact on Mickey & I and I know it is going to lead us to come BIG victories in our families lives.

Love you, you know that!!!
Please send me your address and phone # as I e-mailed you.

Shirley said...

Can I just say that your transparency is admirable? Wow! I am working on that.. it's kinda hard for me.

I wish that we could be having coffee and talking about this post. Want to?

I don't want to go on too much in your comments, but I just feel for you so much right now and can (unfortunately) relate on many things, as well.

Social anxiety stinks! Even when you (meaning I) have a strong desire to make, have, and then keep friends, it is very difficult. I totally get being the most comfortable with your husband and children. It's your safe place of love and acceptance.

I'm so happy that even in the midst of "it" you are able to see the true blessings in your life. I just know what you mean about knowing something intellectually, yet the heart taking it's sweet time to catch up. :)

Moving kids is so hard. Mine still occasionally ask to move back.

I love our church, but haven't gotten involved with a small group. It's that whole social anxiety issue. Our kids still sit with us, too. They tend to be on the shy side, like me. SSHHHH... don't tell them I said that though. I have tried to stop. The power of suggestion is so strong around here if you know what I mean. ;)

Hang in there my friend! Sending some prayers and love your way...

P.S. Maybe instead of coffee, we could meet sometime and have lunch with our kids. That would be nice for us and them.

Cristy said...

Oh Kahri! You have SO much on your plate right now! Only God can give you peace that passes understanding, comfort your heart on your loss and give you His strength when you are weary. Even when it is the last thing you want to do, I pray you can muster the strength to sit in His presence and be refreshed in your soul.

There are so many lies that we can believe, but even if it is moment by moment, speak to each lie with TRUTH. YOu CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens you. You WILL be provided for. He IS our ever present help in time of need.

I will be praying for you faithfully. You aren't alone- we all struggle with the same thoughts and emotions. And I know God is being glorified through you as you press on..

Chavaneth said...

I know it doesn't help day to day - when the burdens are so smothering - but in life, there are hills and valleys. And for some reason we have to sink to the lowest valleys before we reach the highest hills! You know all of this prayer is not really my thing :-) But I have faith you will pull through this with a renewed sense of self and family and peace. Lots of hugs...

Unknown said...

I love you. I'm praying for you. If there's anything at all I can do, I'm here for you. (((hugz)))

Melanie said...

ah sweetie, i'm just getting around to reading some blogs and I'm so sorry that I didn't read this sooner. I would have let you know that I was praying for you, and I would remind you that joy comes in the morning. A more recent post said things were looking better but please know I am praying for you. May your heart be filled with strength and joy and that peace that you can't even understand!

Quiltingranny said...

I don't even know you, but your posting has showed me that I am not the only one going through some of the rough patches you are.
I have physically ailments (2 spinal surgeries, arthritis and fibromyalgia), we moved to a new home 3 years ago and I still can't find full-time work and at times that drags me down and I seem to be able to start but not finish things. My prayers for you my dear sister!

Anonymous said...

I stumbled across your site while looking up ways to teach long division. I started looking around and read this entry. I hate to see people suffering. So often, though doctors rarely admit it, depression is caused by hypothyroidism. And that can lead to adrenal problems, which cause things like dizziness and anxiety. If you ever want to try to get some help, I recommend the forum I help on:

God Bless!