It is hard for me to write this post today, when everything is going well. Quite ironic, isn't it? Well maybe you don't know why that is ironic but by the end of the post, I think you'll get it. I try not to write anything at all if I can't say something positive. (haven't done a good job on my blog lately, I know) The only reason I am even writing it is because some people on Facebook have asked how I am doing. This is my answer:
I'm not doing well...not really doing well at all. There are lots of things going on, don't know which is the egg and what is the chicken....Been dealing with depression again in a big way. I also have several physical ailments including a headache non-stop since the last week of October, TMJ pain, ankle pain, ringing in my ears and dizziness. I am still averaging about 4 hours of sleep a night. I usually get an 1 1/2 hour nap a day too. Still not enough sleep for me. I am fuzzy headed, my old "friend" social anxiety has reared its ugly head as well. I got my depression meds upped to see if that would help. So far it hasn't, but I know it can take awhile. I do well when I am with the Brittany, Michael or when I am talking to my closest friend. Then I feel like I am almost myself.
In addition to this I am feeling very overwhelmed with life lately. Actually overwhelmed is a nice word. The word I keep hearing is "failure." Failure at disciplining and training my kids, failure at providing good meals at a good time, failure at keeping house, failure at showing a good example, failure at helping the family earn money, failure at anything I start lately. After reading Self Talk, Soul Talk, I have been trying to find a replacement for that word but I haven't been able to irradicate it. It is hiding behind corners, under my to-do list, in my messy coat closet, and in each and every email that comes that I don't answer or phone call that comes that I don't call back. Even things as nice as our Jesse Tree or our Christmas tree have failure written all over them. I am so tired of failing. I tried not setting the bar so high. Then I just decided not to set the bar at all. Easier that way.
I have good days, like today. I have about 1-2 a week. I try my best to get a ton done on those days so the other days aren't so horrible. The problem is, I usually feel doubly awful after one of my good days. I am doing lots of Emily's school from bed. She thinks it's fun and I am just glad to be able to get it done. Brittany takes care of most of her own school so, surprisingly, we are not as far behind in school as I would think. My bad days I try to compensate with the kids by reading to them from my bed or playing with them up there, letting them play with my hair (which they love, and so do I), or watching TV with them. When I am feeling up to it, I try to take them on outings to go see lights or Santa or other things like that.
As far as outside happenings...our house in BA still hasn't sold. We are now considering taking it off the market and trying to rent it. We cannot afford the two payments. Money is very tight around here and we are living on a wing and a prayer at the moment. Michael is going to start applying for manager positions again after Christmas. We are praying he will get a store soon. I looked into getting a job but haven't found anything that will work with our family. So then, I was hoping to find something I could do from home - no luck there either.
Spiritually things aren't that great either. I have no problem praying for other people and having faith that I will see miracles. However, I have lost faith in my own prayers for our life. I just feel like God isn't listening. I know He is. I know it in my mind. But I can't get the rest of me to believe at the moment. I feel like time and time again I have put my faith and hope and action into a prayer and not seen any results. Everything is the same or getting worse.
Although I like our church, I am not "sold" on it. I have tried and tried again to get into a "Lifegroup" - their small groups which meet once a week - but so far they have not found one for us. They are promoting Lifegroups all the time, I can't imagine how they can't find one for us in 5 months. Brittany and Emily are deeply involved with the Wednesday night activities and definitely love that. With all that they have gone to, I don't want to drag them away from something else. I just wish we had a church that we could get involved with and make friends, etc.
I tried MOPS here in Yukon and loved the first two times I went. I went to the third time and only lasted 1/2 hour before my social anxiety got the best of me and I slipped out the door without anyone noticing. I am not sure if I am going to make it back or not.
I went to a Mom's Night Out with three wonderful ladies and had a great time. Hopefully we will be able to do it again sometime.
The older girls are both homesick, especially Brittany, but trying to put on a brave face. Some days are better than others.
On top of it all, for some reason this has been a very hard Jacob-less year. I have cried over him more than usual. Moving away from where he is buried was hard as was putting up the tree with his ornaments.
I know I am blessed. I really do. I count my blessings everyday. I have a husband who adores me and works hard for the family. I have a WONDERFUL family. My kids are loving and they love God. We have a roof over our head and food on the table.
I know I am blessed.
I just wish knowing that was always enough.